It's pretty much official, I graduate from college with my undergraduate degree this coming May. It's both extremely exciting, and almost unreal. I'm completely ready to be done college, but at the same time it feels weird to be going out into the world, getting a full time job, and working on saving up money and moving out of the house I grew up in.
Surprisingly, the thing I will take away from college as the most important thing I ever learned has nothing to do with academics. As much as I will always remember what I learned academically, I will always take with me the skills I learned in my self-defense class. Sure, it was only a PE class, and I only had it for three weeks, but it was the most amazing experience of my life. There could not have been a better time for me to have taken this class.
In December, I had just gotten out of a really bad abusive relationship where I was constantly in fear of what would happen to me if I was to do even the most inconsequential of things the way I wanted to instead of how he wanted it done. Every little thing was cause for an argument, even if I had done nothing wrong. If he was in a bad mood it was automatically my fault. Everything came back to me regardless of what he was actually angry about. In the course of nine months, Yelling turned into pushing, pushing turned into shoving, and that all turned into beating up on my belongings.
When things got to their worst I ran for my life and never looked back.
I decided that I was going to take self-defense because I wasn't about to let all that happen to me again. Over time, I learned that I didn't have to be super strong or even bigger than my opponent in order to take them down, all I had to do was use what they were doing against them. We not only worked on basic hand-to-hand, but we spent some time working with knife and gun tactics as well, learning how to disarm and pin opponents from various angles and attacks.
The final exam was probably the most amazing, yet most terrifying, experience; however, I will remember it for the rest of my life for that reason exactly. For our final, we had to take down a fully padded assailant who was trained to attack us like we would be in a real situation. Up until the final we had only practiced against the other women in our class and none of us had gone all that hard on the others. We selected what order we wanted to be tested in, and when it was our turn we selected a card from the deck to determine what situation we would be put in.
I was signed up to be in the middle of the pack, and I was shaking in fear the entire time waiting for my turn. Knowing that I would be flashing back to all the fights I had been in with my ex, and knowing that against him I had not been able to do anything to save myself from his abuse was the worst part. Feeling powerless was the worst feeling I had ever felt in my life, and knowing that I would have to feel that feeling all over again made me so much more terrified of the situation.
When it was my turn to go, I was visibly shaking and pretty much having a panic attack. I went up to draw my card, and much to my dismay I drew the exact thing that my ex loved to do to me. I had to survive a front chokehold... again.
I stood in front of the class, fear in my heart and tears in my eyes, trying to get myself ready to deal with my past. As the assailant grabbed my throat the only thing I felt was the wind leaving my lungs. I felt the tears sitting in my eyes start sliding down my cheeks. He'd grabbed me hard, and I flashed back to the last fight with my ex. It took me a good three seconds to get myself together, and if it had been a real situation I wouldn't have been around long enough to get it together. The instructor finally yelled something to get my attention, and everything I had learned just came out of me without me even thinking about it. I took the guy down, and afterwards I felt like I had achieved something beyond greatness.
I had survived the hardest thing I had ever been through, but I did better than that... I conquered my worst fear.
I will never be afraid of him...
The most important thing I ever learned in college: I am stronger than I think I am and I can conquer anything.
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